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kicks

Goodness im getting so exhausted of being kicked. Normally, i wouldnt mind. But with the fluid being so low, her kicks have become excruciating, damed near putting me into tears everytime that little foot goes “WHOP”. She is more active today than the last few days, which i am ever so grateful for.Please dear lord, give mama a break. This pregnancy has been absolute hell. Im praying the fluid goes back up so the pain will subside somewhat…

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Blahh!!

Crampy, crabby, painful kicks, sweating like crazy and naseous as hell… It has been an icky day all around today. I keep gagging over nothing. I cant make myself eat today, because i keep feelin like im goin to barf. Ugh!

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Fear leads me back to the hospital

After hours and hours of fighting vomiting and naseau, the kind you get when you first get pregnant, i finally got some relief when the nurse called me in some meds to remedy the situation. I discussed with some other mom’s online, the possibility and reality of having a preemie. All of it thrown together, absolutely terrifies me to no end. I try to swallow the feelings of it all, and what might come soon, but my mind wont let me. I must be prepared either way. I eat dinner with my husband, and try to just relax and enjoy his company. ( god i love that man, he makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside still)

We sit and talk for hours about stupid crap, as we always do. And some of my crazy obsessing over what’s going on inside my body. Then i notice, Melody hasnt moved in quite some time. I try to relax, and keep track of her movements. (Her movements are now excruiating with the lack of fluid, so its hard to miss a wiggle now) 2 thumps in 2 hours. Me being in obsessive mode already, i call the dr, and run a bath in hopes the warm water will wake her. It usually does. Nope, still very little movement. After about 1 hour, the nurse finally calls me back. Im also leaking through pantyliners like crazy, so i tell her the whole sha’bang, and as expected – go to labor and delivery she says. No better place to be at 9pm ona Friday night, eh? I call Auston’s dad to come pick him up. And mom so that we can drop off Chase.

We get there at 10:45ish, and up to L&D at 11pm. They strap me to the monitors, and her heart rate looks fine, but she still isnt moving much. They monitor us for about an hour, and swab for Amniotic fluid (and they found none). THEN the little booger decides to go buck wild with the kicking! I dont know what she was doing for the last 4 hours, but she sure did scare the living hell out of us both! The nurses in L&D decide we are fine, and sends us home. Thank god, because i was really expecting to not go home again until she was born. especially after our first episode there… 2am, we finally get home, and poor Chad is whipped. He is a trooper, but i feel so bad for putting him through so much hell!

Today, i think im going to sit back and relax. Unless my water gushes out, i think im going to leave the panic in my head. Im tired of that hospital already!

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33 week appointment

9:15am, Thursday morning, i arrive to my dr appointment (5 minutes late too, opps!). Im used to waiting for at least an hour to see my OB, so i settled in waiting for my name. I already knew there were 3 people who signed in before me. 5 minutes barely pass when my name is called. Sweet! I waddle my butt back there, get weighed. 128lbs! I gained a pound back!

I tell the nurse about all the new problems; the naseau, the puking, the headaches, ect. She scribbles everything into my chart and leaves. And this is where i normally wait at least 30 minutes for the dr to come in. 5 minutes later and there she is! Yay. I go over everything with her, and she suggests Tums before eating, which i know in the back of my mind wont help. She’s happy ive gained a pound, but still upset i havent gained more. She measures my belly again (the nurse just did this hello) and says im measuring a whopping 26 weeks… Of course, im thinking, how the hell is this possible? 4 weeks ago, at my 29 week appointment, i was measuring 28 weeks… So i shrunk? So, to say the least, im freaking out. She asks me to go for a sono just to make sure what the problem is, and to make sure the baby is growing. We’re both concerned since i havent gained much weight, and my belly is shrinking! She teases about having a Halloween baby, and all i want to do is cry!

I waddle my skinny pregnant ass up to the counter to find out when they can do the sono. 3:30pm, ugh! I get out to my car and tell Chad all the great news, and of course, he freaks out too. I get home, and he of course, gives me his normal 20001 questions, lol. Its mostly speculation at this point, since we’re not “for sure” at this point. I research low fluid online, trying to find possible reasons, but nothing to my satisfaction. The hours drill by, until its finally time to escape the anticipation and find out what the hell is really going on.

She starts the sono, and everything is unusually blurry. I honestly couldnt tell the difference between an arm, head, leg, stomach. It was odd. Then she started measuring. My heart sank. At first all the measurements were showing that she was the size of a 29 weeker. Some measurements went up to 31 weeks, but that still meant we were severly behind. All the measurements added up to her being a 30 weeker and 3lbs 1 oz, when she showed to be 2lbs 14oz at the hospital 4 WEEKS ago. I try to hold back my tears while she measures the fluid. She told us i have a 9 in fluid, with 10-20 being in the normal range (im not sure what the exact since is on measuring).

The dr comes in to check on things, and by this time im damned near hysterical. Why isnt my baby growing? Where did all her fluid go? Is this why it hurts when she kicks? She reassures me the measurements of the baby could be way off, since this is a different machine than the one in the hospital, and there is barely any fluid to see her correctly with. (a small sigh of releif) But no answers as to where the fluid went… And yes, this is why it hurts when she wiggles, there is little cushion left. She instructs me to drink, drink, drink, and eat as much as possible to give that baby some more fat! Not a problem! Being diabetic, i want to eat, this diet was killing me already.

So now, im worried, scared and confused. Im not sure what i’ve done wrong. I’ve had to of done something wrong with all the damned problems i’m having this pregnancy! First the previa and bleeding. Then the diabetes and lack of weight gain. Then the preterm labor. Now, this. Im banging my head on the wall, searching for answers… All i want is our healthy little girl. Chad and I’s little angel. I cant let go of this for anything. She is his one and only, and together, our future!

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My birthday

Yep. Im officially 1 year older. Yay! For some odd reason, my mom kept carrying on (over the last few weeks) how she thought it would be “cool” if i had Melody on my birthday. All i can think is, why the hell would having my child on my birthday, and seeing her through the windows of an NICU unit be cool? -shrug- Granted i think her comments made me unconciously conract last night for 4 solid hours before finally falling alseep. Thank god none of that today though. Just kicks so intense i just want to cry…

My day has been nice and relaxing though. An exceptional birthday i suppose. I started off with picking up Auston, and we did puzzles together. Then Chase and Summer came home, and we really just kinda chilled out today. Poor DH had to pull an all-day shift, but i will see him soon =) And Melody is still inside my belly, so all is well! Numerous calls wishing me happy birthday, but honestly, the solitude with my children was nice for once! I did have to call my mother and ask her not to come, just wasnt in the mood.

Its been a good day =)

chad · Uncategorized

Chad, the man behind the woman…

They always say its the woman behind the man, but i have to disagree. Its the man that holds me up throughout all the chaos. The man whom devotes himself so passionately to everything that he does in life.

When i cry, he wipes the tears away. When i fall, he holds me up and tells me it will be ok. And when i get sick, and cannot be there, he takes it upon himself to do everything that i do, with no complaints.

You took complete control and responsibility for my kids when i was in the hospital. It truely amazed me!!

You love us like no other. You love everything like no other. I envy your passion for life. You love your job to the point of working yourself into exhaustion. I envy your dedication, and pray that you get a well deserved vacation soon.

You have shown me things i cannot see with my own eyes, but feel within my heart. A love that cannot be broken.I love you.

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Bedrest Boredom

Trying to keep myself entertained for the next few weeks, in hopes i will be off bedrest at 36 weeks. I lounged around pretty much all day yesterday, watching tv. It wasnt so bad, but now they have stupid scary movies on scifi all this week. Ugh!

Already bored of knitting and such. Dying to be able to get up and take a walk, or go shopping, or something. I do “sneak” out occasionally, but the trips are short and exhausting. The computer has become a bore as well. Guess im off to see whats on tv.

32weeks 4 days.

Auston · Uncategorized

Happy Birthday Auston..

My little boy is 5 today, and i didnt get to see him even for a second. His dad wouldnt answer the phone either. Bastard. We had a small party for him on Friday at Chuck E Cheese, but there is nothing like not seeing your child on their birthday. -sigh-I hope you had a great birthday sweetie, mommy misses you!

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The family is finally included…

Over the last week, i have told both of my parents (whom are now seperated) about our IVF. It was a great release for me to be able to tell them, and they respond happily.

My mother-in-law, had an odd reaction. I suppose at one point in time Chad told her that he didnt believe in the procedure. So i almost felt as if she was nailing me because “i forced him to”. She didnt say the words, but i could feel it. It was a joint decision to have a baby. The first real planned pregnancy. So why is it, i feel guilty? All of a sudden, i felt like i pushed Chad to do this, when i didnt… She even had the nerve to ask if it was HIS sperm… As if id do something like that behind his back. -sigh-